Hi I'm Edward Cullen, and I'm Gay
by Lydiacatfish
Summary: Edward Cullen, after a terrifying sex experience, realizes he is gay. What will our least favorite vampire do? Edxno one so far.
1. Prologue

Hi. I'm Edward Cullen, and I'm gay.

You may think I'm not because of all that hot, steamy sex I had with Bella in those books. Well, I became gay _after _those books.

I'll tell you how if you want.

Okay.

And then, I'll tell you about my life so far, being gay.

Ready?

Here goes.

One night, after putting Renesmee to bed, Bella had an idea. She was going to turn our love fests into something more violent, more passionate. I said, "Sure. Go ahead, love." Little did I know it would be the near end of me.

Bella grinned wickedly and led me to a room with a large bed. She took out some white, fluffy handcuffs from god-knows-where, four pairs, and she demonstrated how even _she _could not break them. I was a fool to think she would be the one attaching herself to the bed.

"Lie down, Edward dear." I obliged, and before I knew it, the handcuffs were attached to my hands and feet.

"Bella? What are you doing?" I was pretty damn scared.

"I'm going to show you a good time," she whispered, and then it started. My realization.

I knew the second she started doing things I didn't know were humanly possible that I was gay. I couldn't free myself, so I waited until it was over. It finally ended just when the baby was supposed to wake up. "That was fun, wasn't it dear?"

"Sure… Bells. Can you unlatch these?"

"But of course." She took a key from- Okay, I have got to find out where she keeps all this stuff. But anyway, she unlocked me. "I'll meet you at the house, okay?" Before I could answer, she took off.

_I have to get out of here… _I thought. _After all, I've just discovered that I'm gay! _So, I packed a few things and left.

Now, I'm on the road to find a mate. A gay mate, because I do not want to get married to another sadistic bitch like Bella. That wouldn't be fun.

I'm going to tell you of my adventures and how maybe, just maybe, I'll find a lover.


	2. Dean and Angela

Here's chappy two! I don't care if you think it's stupid, I think the idea is fun!

And to the reviewer, whoever you are, that last one was the funniest review I've ever gotten in my life. The fact that you took it so seriously… It just brought tears to my eyes.

So, after I set off, I decided to run far away so Bella couldn't find me as easily. I ended up in New York City.

After almost getting hopelessly lost, I found myself in a bar that sold the best drinks I would have tasted if I hadn't stopped for a, heh, "snack" the day before.

"You gonna order anything?" asked a waitress with very poofy hair, chewing stale gum.

"No."

"If ya need anything, I'll be over there."

"Thanks." She left. The bar was getting kind of full, and pretty soon, a giggly couple sat down across from me at my table.

"Like, hi! I'm Angela, and this is Dean."

"Hey," said Dean.

"I'll be right back. I'm going to go to the bathroom." Angela got up and left.

"She's a real looker, huh?"

"Sure."

"But I have this problem."

"Yeah?"

"Well, I think I'm gay."

If I had a drink, I would have choked on it. "What about your girlfriend?"

"Well, I don't know how to tell her."

"Just tell her. I know a certain someone who could keep you warm in bed tonight." I subtly undid a button on my shirt.

"Okay. Thanks. I'll meet you outside in five minutes."

"I'm baaaack!" sang Angela.

"Angela, I have something to tell you. I'm gay."

"Like, OMG! What am I going to do?" She started crying.

"I'm sorry. I'm going to have to go."

I got up, not wanting to interfere. As I started to walk away, I heard her stop crying and whisper, "Boy, we got that sucker good. Jump him in five minutes?"

"Yeah."

She broke into fake sobs again.

I waited outside for the two to jump me. When they did, I knocked Angela out straightway and then prevented Dean from moving a muscle.

"Wha- What are you going to do to me, man? It was- We were just trying to get some money!"

"Sure. Well, I did promise you someone to keep you warm tonight, didn't I?"

"What do you mean?" His eyes were full of fear.

"You'll find out." I carried him to a ratty motel. A love motel.

"Two? That's unusual."

"No, just one," I said, flashing a smile. "Who's your most unattractive?"

"Oh, that'd be Martha. Come this way." He led us to a quite dirty room. He opened the door to a fat old lady with a cigarette. "Customer, Martha."

"Hey, hon." I pushed Dean inside before she could lay a hand on me. I also shoved fifty bucks under the door. A few minutes later, I heard Dean screaming rape and such, but I paid him no mind.

So, that was my first night alone. I almost got jumped, then I got a man raped. Still haven't found that special someone. I'll keep you in touch.


	3. The Quite Interesting Illusion

A few days later, I decided to tone it down a bit. I went to London.

I lied. I didn't tone it down at all.

" 'Ello, guvna!" said some snotty kids who were obviously American while I walked through the rain to me.

"Shut it, kids."

"Ooh, he's got a temper!" said a little girl. This one was British, and was hanging around in the middle of the group of boys. "Wonder what to do, chaps?"

"Please leave me alone, children."

"Okay, dude. We'll leave you alone." One kid at the front raised his hands in resignation.

As soon as I turned a corner, I started to run, but fast enough no one would notice. As soon as I got to the house that Carlisle owned, I found the key hidden where I knew it was hidden, and unlocked the door. It was a quite large house, decorated with different odd things that Carlisle had handpicked himself, with the help of the rest of the family.

Suddenly, a girl scout came knocking at the door.

_That shouldn't be possible, but who cares? _

"Sir, would you like to buy some Thin Mints?"

"No."

"ASSHOLE!" she yelled, throwing cookies at him.

"Ah! What the hell?"

"BUY MY COOKIES OR FACE THE WRATH OF THE GARGANTUAN BEETLE CLAN!" The little girl transformed into a giant beetle, and giant beetles crawled out from everywhere.

"Okay, something is seriously wrong with this."

And then of course, Bella had to appear.

"EDWARD!" she screamed. "HELP ME! THAT LITTLE BOY OVER THERE," she pointed to a little kid, "IS GOING TO RAPE ME WITH THE SEX TOYS I USED ON YOU AND YOU BETTER HELP OR I'LL EAT YOUR SOUL!!!!!"

"Ew. Wouldn't that hurt? Besides, I have no soul."

"I'ma rape your wife! I'ma rape your wife!" sang the little kid.

"Normally I would care, but now I'm gay, so I don't."

"WAAAAAAH!" sang/yelled all of the people and beetles and everything else in a twisted harmony.

"…"

"EAT HIS SOUL!" Everything moved at lightning speed and attached to me. I tried to defend myself, but somehow they took several chunks out of me.

Suddenly, it was all over.

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?" I yelled.

"Eep!" said a little girl voice, and I saw a shadow running away. I quickly caught it. It was the little girl from earlier.

"What did you do?" I looked into her eyes. They were red.

"Sorry, sir! You were just a tad rude earlier, and me and the boys wanted to get back at you, and—"

"_You _made me see the weird thing?"

"Er, yes?"

"How?"

"I just sorta concentrated on your mind and thoughts and made them develop in your sight."

"How?"

"I don't know! I just… Can I eat you?"

"…"

"Please? It won't take long."

"You're like me. Go eat a deer."

"But—"

"You've got talent, kid, now go eat a deer."

"Yessir." She saluted him and ran off.

_Maybe I should leave London. I'll to go Mexico._


	4. Not Actually Meheeco

_**THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO ALL THE FANGIRLS OUT THERE WHO THINK THAT THE WAY MEYER TELLS IT IS THE REAL STUFF AND WHAT EVERYONE KNOWS TO BE TRUE IS JUST A COMMON MYTH. I'VE SEEN THOSE PEOPLE. IT'S NOT PRETTY. IT'S ALSO IN HONOR OF NEW MOON COMING OUT A FEW WEEKS AGO. I FIGURED THOSE SAME FANGIRLS WOULD BE STARVING OF THEIR DEAR EDWARDS AND WOULD COME ON THIS SITE LOOKING FOR HIM. "I'm right here, darlings~!" screams gay Edward. "But, it's quite obvious I like boys. But it's kind of okay, since I don't think Bella **_**wants**_** to be a girl anyway! Tee hee!" THERE'S THE BOY YOU LOVE, GIRLS.**_

I lied again.

I decided not to go to Mexico. (Because the author is stupid and feels guilty about making up stories about places she's never been to like New York and London. Yeah, she's never been there. Sorry, great authoress.) So I'm going to go somewhere the author HAS been.

A boring town in Florida.

Not too far from Me-hee-co, right? Right. For the sake of the readers, we're not going to say where in Florida, but it's in Florida. Like the person on the radio, only cooler.

Except for this boring town.

I come out at night so people won't see my sparkly skin and think I'm gay. Wait… That doesn't make sense. Sigh. Of course, I could always start a riot that way, after all, this town is very boring, a riot would make it a hell of a lot more interesting.

Whatever.

I see an old guy walking down the street. "Hey, is there anything interesting to do in this town?"

"Well, in the summer, we're a hit, but right now it's rip tide season. You know, when it's all stormy and cold and the waves are high so no one wants to come to our boring little town except for people who really have nothing better to do over their spring breaks."

"That's too bad. How does your economy survive?"

He looks around quickly, and then whispers, "I think it's the aliens."

That's when I leave. I mean, aliens? Seriously?! That's almost as stupid as sparkly vampires who can go out in the sunlight and don't have to drink human blood to survive and aren't allergic to garlic! Wait…aliens don't sound all that stupid now.

"Tell me more." I shuffle back over to the man.

"Whenever we're in an economic crisis, they come back and give us all a bunch of fake money so we can be okay again!"

"Why haven't they done that about the _national _economic crisis?"

"JUST SHUT UP, OKAY? JEEZ!!! ALIENS WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS!" With that, he hits me in the knees with his walker and hobbles off.

I am currently on the ground clutching my knees. What, you didn't think I would feel it? Just because I'm an impervious gay vampire doesn't mean I don't feel things! GOSH!!!

Wow. Did you just see what I just did? My goodness, I'm turning into one of those flamboyant gay guys who says "YOU ALREADY FORGOT LAST NIGHT?!" to random people they pass and sells shoes. And has the weird voice like that guy from The Simpsons in the one episode.

……………I feel like a loser.

"YOU'RE NOT A LOSER, MY CHILD!" Some guy with an afro just jumped me. As I'm laying on the ground. That's not creepy…

I throw him off of me. I know what you're thinking now. GOSH!!!

"Don't jump on me, please."

"Oh, my dear Edward, still having insecurities about your gayness?!" He stands up. He smiles at me and his teeth sparkle.

I am currently on the ground shielding my eyes from the teeth glare.

"Sorry. My name is Fabio! I am a vampire just like you! Or whatever the fuck we are, seeing as we can go out in the sun and don't have to drink human blood…yeah…lost my train of thought there…"

"You're a vampire too. Or whatever the fuck we are."

"Yes! And like you, I can read minds! Which explains how I know your name- You're undressing me with your eyes."

"There's a word for that."

"Apodyopis?!"

"Yep."

"And the feeling of being mentally undressed is…"

"Gymnophoria!" they yelled together.

"You're hot, Edward."

"That's a little too soon."

"Sorry."

"It's alright. I'm used to it. My 'dad' made me go to high school for god knows why. I think it's because he didn't love me. WHY DIDN'T YOU LOVE ME, DADDY!?!!!!1!!ONE!"

"You want to talk about it?"

I pretend to wipe tears from my ears for the moment. I HAVE FEELINGS, YOU KNOW!!!!ONE!!!

"Sure."

So we skip off. To talk. Just talk. GOT IT, FABIO??!!!!!11!!!!#


	5. Sir Sexy Kutsushita

Sniffle. Sniffle.

"There, there, Eddy...just let it out..." said Fabio, patting me on the back. Why is his hand going lower and lower with every pat?

"Don't call me EDDY!" I wailed, bending over and letting out another torrent of tears. Heh. Alliteration.

"Well then, what should I call you?" he asked.

"Uh..." Drat. "Call me...Sir-Edward-Sexy-Pants."

"...LIKE, SERIOUSLY?" But it came out more like Theriouthly. With th's instead of s'. His eyes lit up and then suddenly got really big and detailed. Like an anime girl. LET'S FILL THOSE EYES WITH TEARS.

"No. Instead, you must call me...um...Sir-Edward-SUPER-Sexy-...Socks."

Fabio's mouth dropped open and he let out a squeal. "LIKE OMG THAT IS LIKE LIKE SO FREAKING LIKE AWESOME AND LIKE LOL WTF AM I LIKING THIS LIKE I LOVE THIS ROFL LOL LIKE LIKE LIKE SEVEN!two!1!/"

I slowly inched away. "I just remembered...I have to go...sexy-ify my...socks...in Japanese, they're called kutsushita..." And then I ran. Not like the vampire run, but the kind where you scream and flail your arms and legs everywhere. Which is LIKE over 9000 times more fun.

That's probably why he caught me. Then he tied me down and fed me some tapioca.

I DON'T LIKE TAPIOCA.

As I struggled to free myself, he kept saying, "Trust me, I'm a doctor." What the hell was that supposed to mean? He's not a doctor! He-He's not! The only way he could be was if...GASP!

He pulled off his skin to reveal his true self-Carlisle!

**WHOA! IT'S A NON-OC! I'm quite surprised I'm updating this...it's all thanks to a review I received. However, I'm not going off hiatus. So :P. :D Have a happy Halloween, everyone! Even though it's still several weeks away!**


	6. Hats Off To Dan Bergstein

**Wow! It's been a long time, huh?**

***crickets***

**Anyway, after this long, I'm going to get an eggroll. I'll write as fast as I can.**

…**.NOT.**

I gasped in horror at the horrific horror-ocity in front of me. It was Carlisle...dressed as a sunflower.

"Actually, I'm not Carlisle. I'm actually Mike Newton." He ripped off his skin and Mike Newton stepped out. I gasped in horror again.

"But-how-"

"Actually, I'm not Mike Newton. I'm really Adam Young." OH NO-hey, actually, he's kinda hot. And he sings nicely.

"Um, okay-"

"Actually, I'm not Adam Young." Damn. "I'm really Emmett." Then Emmett stepped out of the Adam Young skin with crossbows in both of his hands, wearing a jetpack. "I'm here to take you back home."

"But I don't wanna go home!" I whined. Wow. That crazy bitch of my wife was rubbing off on me.

"TOO BAD." He shot me with a crossbow, picked me up, shot me several more times with several other crossbows, and then jetpacked off to some place.

When we landed (or, Emmett landed, he actually dropped me several thousand feet before we hit the ground, and he didn't even give me a parachute. Meanie.) we were greeted by a large crowd of small children. Emmett bowed, shot me a few more times for the hell of it, and then the small children dispersed, presumably to mob Adam Young. I would totally understand if they did.

"Time to go home." Emmett roundhouse kicked me. The next thing I knew, I was staring up at _the monster._

**Who is the monster? Wait another ten or so months and you'll see.**


End file.
